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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit the streets of Rua da Liberdade. Sounds fancy, huh? But lemme tell ya, it was anything but. I’m walkin’, mindin’ my own biz, when BAM! A seagull swoops down like it’s on a mission. I swear it was targetin’ me. I ducked, but not before it dropped a little “gift” on my shoulder. Ugh! Thanks, nature. Just what I needed.

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